That's how it all began; that's how life in genreal kicked off for each and every living creature - and my life in particular. Needs, let us talk about the basic needs. Like nutrious food, quality sleep and human/animal proximity. To get those needs in place, the basics in order before anyrhing else is of highest priority. I am afraid I am not doing so well today, I am afraid that the world's wisdom and proufound insight is remote. I am afraid I have to go back to, simply, simple basics.

There exist all sorts of feelings. I believe not just in me, in all of us. I also believe that I feel things stronger than the rest of my family Helgen. By no means, I don t know, I just think. My dad is in Stockholm (the capital of Sweden), I am in London, mom in Grebbestad and sis in Nöthult. I need to say it is indeed weird, we all are so different, still so similar. I mean, I always thought I was slightly to mildly abnormal. I somehow always felt abnormal, but it starts to bring to light to me – we are all pretty abnormal. How sane is it to live in a village with one neighbor? Or how sane is it to live in a city with 10000 – but you do not know a single one of them, that is properly. I don t know, I am just in a “putting-incomprehensible-words-on-paper-mood”. My eggs are just boiled - and we talked about an eventual Christmas dinner together. All of us here are going home during the break so it would be nice to gather and do something together. I cannot imagine how wonderful it will be to to met her, my 4-legged pet. Penny has been away from her mother more than 3 months, and it is not cool. But on the other hand God does not give me/us anything that we cannot handle. So it is better to let go, accept and say: well well, if that is your will so be it. But it hurts so badly to not waking up with her, not go to sleep with her (even the company at the loo).

 

There are three things I wish for Christmas: (1) Being with Penny and my family (2) Abstinence (3) boxing equipment.

 

Talk to you later.

Don’t tell me I didn`t try, hard or long enough. I did. With every bit of me. But it was not enough. Still, it was. Because who said that pain and 1000 trials were equal “not do enough”. I am, fucking picking myself up – each bloody time I have been knocked down. Sometimes I am so paralyzed in disease clutches I cannot utter a word, even worse – feel anything. Because of this devastating, dreadful substance, that is my drug. Tonight I did the unexpected, I call him. It was not really me in person doing it, neither did I say much. Just listened. It was so much hope there, it was love and serenity. Unconditional acceptance. It was beautiful. There were the Higher senses operating – that only two addicts can feel.  I am not going to barging to you, yes I have started a life in London (not as fancy as in Paris) and yes I am doing fairly good on my psychology program. But, nothing nothing nothing will ever counts if I am not abstaining completely from my drug, one day at a time. Who am I to become a good psychologist that cannot even be honest with my basic needs? Fuck – it is definitely not a proper word – not to mention academic. But it is what I am feeling. FUCK. Fuck evil, disease, cancer, addiction, pessimism, greedy, selfishness, envy, injustice, discrimination, bullying and self pity.

My dear Jenny,

"It does not matter how many times you fall, it is how many times you get up that is important. Get up and live your life".

N

Ps. I am up. Again.

So much to say - so few words to tell.

Poesin sägs hjälpa när det smärtar,

en sådan som jag skulle snarare ta till smör och plättar,

jag har ingen ambition att skriva något läsbart, men sorgen och tårarna ter sig så självklart,

jag kan inte längre hålla det inne, det bankar och vill ut men jag ser inte längre någon med ett sådant förstående sinne,

det är ensamt, tyst och ensamt igen, varför kommer hon inte tillbaka den enda som kan få henne att vilja vakna,

ur en mardröm som ständigt pågår och en kamp som ingen förstår,

jag ville egentligen inte skriva en dikt idag, ingenting alls ger mig längre densamma kick av välbehag,

det finns dock en väg att gå men mina skor har under åren blivit för små,

jag kan be om hjälp från en mamma och en pappa, jag tror mig veta att dessa redan börjat packa

nåväl, jag älskar att skriva fritt, men att poesin skulle hjälpa är rena rama blotta bullshit.

Då det snart har gått ett år för mig och Penny här i Paris – har vi tillsammans tagit ett beslut att flytta hem till Sverige. Var och hur länge låter jag vara osagt. Det är mina första rader jag skriver på svenska sedan ett år tillbaka. Känns konstigt, hackigt..ovant. Min hjärna tycks tänka ömsom engelska ömsom franska. Ganska logiskt att jag känner mig vilsen som en ekorre i blöta blå neon byxor i en stor grön skog.

 

Jag vet mig en familj (Bella moster längtar) som blir överlycklig, vänner som, jag bugar och bockar – öppnar sin dörr för sovplats till oss. Min lägenhet har jag hyrt ut till en läkare sedan en tid tillbaka. Jag har betalt min sista hyra till min Madame Azancot och flirtat till mig en veckas gratis internet.  Fransmän är svaga för svenskor. Det är bara det. För så mycket flört nuförtiden är föga intressant. Jag spyr på det motsatta könet, bara bort med det. Jag gissar att det kommer att hålla i sig ett tag till. Det är OK.

 

Det regnar och åskar i Paris idag, jag dricker mitt kaffe och funderar vad som kommer att hända härnäst. Sedan slår det mig att jag inte behöver veta, jag behöver egentligen bara vara jag för ett tag. Jag har ”varit” i tre dagar nu, mycket märklig upplevelse . Vi har druckit stark espresso ömsom cappucino, läst och läst. Läst lite till.

 

Penny älskar Paris, hon älskar vår lägenhet och vårt vackra kvarter, parken och alla hennes hundvänner.  Men nu har vi tagit ett beslut och så får det vara. Det finns en sak som är viktigare i mitt liv än att bo i Paris, dansa salsa på lördagar och plugga psykologi på ett svindyrt Universitet. Det kommer att gå före allt i mitt liv, gör jag inte denna prioritering så..så blir det inte bra.

 

Well, det gick relativt smärtfritt att skriva på svenska.  Jag längtar.

 

Vi hörs snart,

In no merely doubt, I am stubborn as a mule! There is two approach of seeing and reflecting upon this trait. Meaning, there are two sides of the coin. First, my stubbornness has brought me to where I am today, exactly here in my cosy place, in Paris- near the beautiful river, Seine. Moreover, I have a worldwide fellowship and an immense network. That is due to my stubbornness that gives me ability to, constantly, meet new people, and discover new countries, places and personalities. That is the light spot of this attribute.

 

Subsequently, it also seems there is a dark side, the non glamorous and pleasant part of the game. My stubbornness want to do everything “my way” – it is relying on a strong self-will and self righteousness.  Interestingly, I never really thought I was that sort of person who could not take orders, but I am truly this way and I starting to see that know.  Let me illustrate. For instance, if I receive a writing topic (meaning I did not choose it myself) I never, really and fully, stick to that specific topic – I always tend to end up writing about my mother`s childhood if I was told to write about my father`s. Well, you got the point.  That results in, naturally, lower grades. Not odd, unfair and illogic at all - pretty much common sense. Another example, assume someone ask me to do he/she an errand – I do not just simply do it, again, I do it “my way”.  Apparently, I add some extra touches here and there plus eliminating accordingly. Those are inadequacy and not OK and cool at all. If I am asking for a hamburger – I certainly do not want a damn chicken burger!

 

Well, my point this noon is to address the importance to give up some self-will in our lives. Basically, what you learn most from is from other people. And do not misunderstand me – I am not, naively, saying you “should buy and swallow everything straight away and never to question and utilize your critical eye. What I am saying is that we are not always the “wisdom personified ourselves” (as at least I tend to believe I am) – there will always be someone who “knows better” and possesses over more experience and wisdom then we are at that given moment.  Of course, there has to be equilibrium between listening to others versus to your inner voice.  Consequently, that is the same rule to apply here - as with everything else in life.

 

So now, it is just for me to wish you all a splendid Thursday - and why don’t you try to give up a little bit of your self-will – just for today? I am sure, at the end of the day - we will be amazed how much we have learned from simply listening to others (by all means - be careful to whom you listen to), better knowing.

Frankly speaking, -what is the crisis with this blog? Essentially, from being one of those “blog addicts” to just about publish nil posts in the latest year – meaning - something is off beam.  In other words, it is sad; my blog was in the very beginning created to be a medium where to “lob and drop” all drama, worries, as well - happiness and joy in my life.  At someplace, last year - September 2009 a feeling of “it has to be thorough, interesting and perfectly written, if not – I cannot publish it”. That sort of foolishness has come to develop into a baffling issue in my everyday life. Plus, I cannot really see how I may surmount this fairly comfortable mindset of thinking.

 

Seemingly, the halfway through is “just” by start doing it – to take action, so to speak. My desire to be free of boundaries and write and be whatsoever pops up in mind, is stronger than my fear.  Look, it already seems like I initiate a solution here, doesn`t it?  Certainly, you guys most think why I waffling about this. Obviously, it seems to be vulnerability and a weakness in my character.  Somewhat, I believe that it is ok. Just to make this crystal clear; I was probably not born into this life to be perfect – so l will try to let go and let flow - relying on the nature forces and the authentic child within. The tricky thing is, how to let go of something I ever had?  Well, that is not for me to solve.  What is on my table today is to go ahead in my imperfect body and mind, regardless the nonsense the voices advising me to do inside. Do you want to keep me company on that path; I mean the imperfect way of existing?

 

Besides, it is a peaceful and tranquil afternoon. Though, my agenda is stuffed with things to complete – those things are all there for a reason.  Further, the majority are fun and passionate things.  I really feel like the one and the only boss in my life. It is a powerful feeling. Principally, today`s focus is to prepare myself, as good as I possibly can for an significant exam with an English Professor (just him and I!!) in Gothenburg next week.  Thus, my mission is to embrace every tiny little single element in the prevailing topic. Important is and the key to success is to immerse oneself in the chosen field.

 

Of course, I do, I hear you asking – how am I doing, am I ok? That is a good question. I would say, on a ladder of well being (if there is such a thing) I am somewhere between “I am feeling brilliant and I believe I have a strong potential to contribute with something really important and new to this world – versus – I`d better run and hide from this life – now!  That is, in very brief where I am today.

 

But tell me, how are you wonderful folks doing? I wish you all a fulfilling and interesting Thursday!

 

Your friend,

 

Jenny

 

A sunny Wednesday, a breeze of serenity is what covers Grebbestad, Sweden. A couple of days ago one of my best my friends asked me: “Jenny, how often do you, honestly, write something totally unpretentious - just put true words and feelings spot on paper – without any censuring? And I went..ehm I believe you touched something important here. In addition, I really thought I was, so to speak, a honest and freely flying bird when it comes to write those honest blog posts. Therefore, the reason I am writing today is to publish something unpolished for you, for myself. Does that make any sense? Well, I`d better admit to do so appears as an impossible task to accomplish. I do not want to “lose the control”. The funny thing is that I constantly rationalize (subconsciously) myself to think - I certainly do am: “free as a bird - happy as a lark - stronger than God himself. Pretty obviously, I am not. I did not; proufoundly face up to my factual ordeal, nightmare, suffering, misery and such a hardship I went through my first 8 months in Paris.

 

Surely, Paris is the city of love and joy..right? Moreover, I was enrolled in the psychology program – a high credited world famous University located in the heart of Paris. That is just incredible in itself. Well, I did not want to “darken and dirty” my perfect picture of Paris and more significantly, where I was about to realize my dream! Agreed, that was and still is my purpose/function in life - to train to work as a Clinic psychologist. In actual fact, I did not want “to crash” that image of a positive, beautiful, strong and successful woman (which was supposed to be myself in this case). That is just a bunch of bullshit and utopia! How on earth could I ever think; by acting like “a perfect independent super human” possibly could correspond to be a true psychologist - whereupon the baseline is to accept the human being with all its weaknesses, fears and defects ? Did that, basically mean that I tried to be everything else except a human being (like a lion or a bull)? Did I imply to place myself over my fellows being or more correctly, below the human rest?

 

Naturally, this irrational and illogical thinking - without any sense of decent substance gives me, today an understanding how far away I was from being humble, accepting, truthful, loving and a human being (I mean there are trained actors that do those "superheroes rolls" far better than me, and in addition get paid for it). At least, and thank God I am today bright enough to see that now. Still, I have more mountains to climb and paths to stroll before I may, fully accept myself with all my defects of character and shortcomings.

 

To be continued.

I have no reason to not feel good, content and satisfied tonight/ this morning. Still, I do. I have been over at Nadehas (she is a sing/songwriter from Australia – btw, check her out at youtube: “Nadeah Miranda”) house with some friends, high-quality energies and spirits, lovely atmosphere. Almost too good, no alcohol or other harmful substances- just understanding, love and hope. That’s all we need.  I am so grateful to have this fellowship in my daily life, people I easily can relate to. Wonderful and beautiful people, people I adore and look up to.

 

(Switches subject)

 

I do not really know why I so seldom mention him in my blog. There is such an indescribable love between us, we are an invincible, powerful and a strong and unit. We are all that the other one desire, we are all we want. Still, I can let go. I am scared, right, for what? Being abandoned? Have I ever been abandoned? No. So it does not make sense. And I am supposed to be one of the futures Psychologist? Yes, I do believe so. Tonight I experienced something totally “out of the book”. A little miracle touched my shoulder. I am capable and I can help people, first, I have to start with myself. My call is calling. There are some due obstacles, but I can cope with them. I have a long way to travel, and I will never graduate from what we call: learning by living. I will always be beginner.

 

(Switches subject)

 

I am perfection in my imperfection. I am not worse or better than you. We are all constructed equally - we have more in common rather what really separate us. I did listen to a homosexual speaker tonight, he was from The States. I am from Grebbestad. That is, geographically distant away, yet spiritually so close. I think we are all brothers and sisters. Some we happen to like more than others. But can we possibly hate? I cannot see it belongs on the mother earth. The truth tells differently. It is simple to comprehend the human mind; nevertheless, it is not easy.

 

After some wise phone calls, all over the world and several coffees I feel better. This night is almost over so it is not really an idea to go to bed. Penny has been snoozing for hours. Well, I am better study some French- at least it will do some good for me and Rafael’s relationship. You see, communication is A and O.

 

PS. It was not really my effort and purpose to make you understand this post, and have I ever written something so “all over the map”. Somehow, it needed to get out.

 

 

She is not able to get herself asleep. She is incapable to turn her brain off. Her parasympathetic nervous system never seems to activate. She had an “out of the ordinary evening”, night or more correct, early morning. She out of the blue met a woman on the street of Paris; the woman was a foreigner as she herself. They both were, in the very last minute, about to grab something eatable in the “alimentation” shop. It was late, both appear to be tired, but it didn’t bring them from engage into each other companies. Both women had a dog. Both dogs were female. Both woman writes about incomprehensible material. Both of them had suffered from the same illness. Both are powerless over, what we call food.

 

What was that? What was that meeting supposes to be, mean and possibly to befall? No one of them got the grip, both rather chocked and overwhelmed of their fellow story. Nor did they exchange their numbers. They just talked and listen; they almost forgot their dogs, that, basically were having forbidden”lesbian intimacy” right on the plain street. As a final point, one of them two arrived at ones residence; although they did not take good bye. They kept talking and listening. The dogs kept playing the forbidden play, still visible for the public eye (except there were no many public eyes awake at this time). After one cigarette had turned out to be two and even three they finally did the traditional “French bisou” and off they went. Left by zero trace of the other person. Within merely a moment a realization occurred with one of them – God did set up this date for some reason.

 

 

 

Long day. Good day. Interesting day. Free day. Emotional day. Loving day.



Now my day turns into a dream.