Älskar älskar älskar..

henne, så bortom all mänsklig emotion.

Greater than yourself.

I believe it is highly important, not to say crucial to “live life on life`s terms” to each and everyone’s best ability. Further, it requires a massive amount of honesty, willingness and faithfulness to do so. It might seem beyond hard work at first glance, but it is, by no means impossible. Personally, I have two crystal clear highways ahead me and only I myself can pick and choose which one to embark upon. One way is, you could say safe and very much “old fashion style” - and the other way is scary but a truly life changing and very much God style over it. In addition, I chose to call God just God due the simple fact that to say ”my mom or my ex – boyfriend” would sound too corny and banal.  Needless to say, this sort of enlightening infinitive power could be within any creature, within all living thing. You see my point? Well, neither did I imagine. Don’t you worry, that is somewhat cool with me. Don´t let puzzling details stop us here.


Therefore, I go for the second alternative. So I do - no matter what. No matter what. That`s my pick, thank you very much!


I am choosing a life beyond myself, because I am not enough to handle my addiction. I cannot help myself anymore, my knowledge, willpower and strength is used up far long ago - and I am stuck in myself. How terribly frustrating! More to the point, I cannot move a mere step forward without someone holding me in my hand. Thank God - I have faith in something greater, something or someone that can hold me in my hand when I recover from this cunning, baffling and powerful malady.


With all earnestness, there is none so ever doubt in my heart that I will “hit the nail on the head” with my so called life when Universe consider time to be. It all comes down to have faith and patience – I pray, not on a daily but a momentarily basis for patience and perseverance. I hereby, basically want to say; fuck everything else, screw disease and evil and all those sneaky traps that desire nothing but to kill us human beings. Hell with all evil and bad (I am sure that anger starved to come out).


(So, just let me jump over to something else than me me me. One of my very best friends contacted me the other day, sort of a soul mate - I was not able to answer though. I just want you to know that I am so out of words proud of you, what you are in course of doing is literally breathtaking – your unexpectedness and courage blows me away.)


Another thing that is on my mind this Saturday, I have lastly agreed upon treatment. Where and when is unknown. But fair enough, you read correct. Everything starts with brutal frankness. And the truth is, I cannot stay where I am at today, it is dangerous and unbearable. And it does not has to be like that – who said that recovery cannot be filled with love and fun? My parents they practiced this type of honesty this morning and I thought to myself – what, still, is holding me back to do the same? I cannot just log in here, and write something halfhearted – for God sake! I want to squeeze and press out maximum of life, that is, love, passion, relationships, health, wealth, spiritually, service and never-ending joy. Sure, I don’t like to be vicious honest towards myself and others as well as being confronted with brutal honesty from someone – as it, naturally comes with a rain of painful tears. Nevertheless, I cannot acknowledge enough to myself how essential it is. And of course freaking hard. I bet you have heard it before – life is an undeniably endless gift – whether we like it or not. Finally, it is my human obligation to make the best of it. So what am I waiting for? Incredible how badly I would wish to found me in a therapy session with Lord himself, just for 5 min. Like “God heaven therapy”.


All right, anyhow - it is a good start to ask oneself every morning; “what do I genuinely want from this day – what may I genuinely give to the world today? (As a sick person can contribute to this “business”, that is, giving service) And then hold tightly on to it - stick to it no matter what - and go for it - fully! Let your actions be your travel vehicle which transport you through your ups and downs, let alone  something greater than yourself be your guide (whether that is God, Allah, Buddha, a Higher power, your pet, knowledge, a friend, someone`s beutiful vocals etc). Thus, believe in something beyond yourself and your life will be absolutely magnificent! An abundant life is what is in store for us. How can I possibly write as I knew? The thing is that I have seen miracles and I am acting AS IF miracles already happening to me, right now. The thing is also, I have dreamt of this life, a life free from addiction and obsession and filled with love – and as you know – if you can dream it – you bet you can be it, too! That is “The Swedish dream” –a version of “American dream”.


To sum, I am not abusing any of my pesky destructive drugs today, just for today - and THAT IS A HELL OF A MIRACLE. Thank you very much indeed Universe.

Nu kör vi!

Försten under 50 minuter på en mil - ready - set - go! Tilläggas ska att jag är i min livs absolut dåligaste, uslaste form, men jag tror på mirakel, vad annat val har jag, liksom. Jag sätter därmed ingen exakt tid då detta ska vara uppfyllt. Det blir på något sätt lättare och lite mer crazy då.
Nu ska jag svischa iväg i den lilla röda och tala psykologi. Intressant! Hoppas er dag är så bra den bara kan bli!

Dagens äkta.

Äkta kärlek. Morfar och jag. Jag och morfar. Naturligt.
Utan kladd i ansiktet. Utan extensions. Men visst kan smink ge ett
strålande vackert resultat och extensions en alldeles magisk känsla.
Men jag kör på en pretty much naturel framtoing i dessa dar.

Envisa lilla du.

Min blogg är allt annat än levande i dessa tider - det är således ingen korrekt indikator hur jag känner mig. Det ska sägas. Då jag känner mig som en alldeles - "absolutely alive human being"! Det är ett sådant, mildamakter -skönt mänskligt läge att befinna sig i! Jag är tacksam ska ni veta, så tacksam att det räcker både ett och två varv runt klotet. I alla fall, jag kikade in här idag och noterade att jag fortfarande har några tappra och ihärdiga läsare kvar därute. Som jag tidigare yttrat så startade jag aldrig denna blogg för att vinna något slags erkännande, någon fame av något slag. Kort sagt, jag hoppade på denna våg enbart av det faktum att jag behövde få en bild av mig själv och mitt live (yttre och inre) samt att mina nära och familj skulle ha en någorlunda update huruvida jag är på hemmaplan eller på andra sidan jordklotet. Hela blogg fenomenet är och förblir en ypperlig kommunikations kanal - enkel, tillgänglig och snabb.
Jag har haft så fullt upp den senaste tiden, med många avgörande åtaganden lika väl som uppoffringar - alla högst essentiella för att få ett grepp om mitt liv och en hållbar riktning frammåt. Bloggen har legat i ide. Men jag har en magkänsla som signalerar att det är dags att väcka den så oskyldigt sovande och sussande blogg.
(här skulle jag kunna be om ursäkt och förklara - men det finns ingen frukt i det, ingen somhelst faktiskt).
Ni ska veta att jag älskar er. Familjen och mina underbara vänner - i varje liten vrå på denna jord. Det hade underlättat om det fanns ett UNIVERSAL språk som alla kunde läsa och tala. In sum, det är rena rama breathtaking!! hur fantastiska ni är och hur fantastiskt smart av er att just etablera en relation med mig! Kom det kanske ut lite knasigt? Ehh!
Nu ska jag på 1 timmes massage hos Malin! Låt oss snart talas vid igen.


So much to say - so few words to tell.
Gaah - fuck that paralyzing perfectionism.

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