It has been a long and demanding day, nevertheless a highly full fledged splendid day! London is providing many dimensions of life and my needs are satisfied at all possible levels tonight. Thats more than good. I am grateful. I have played poker. I have sung as it was my last tunes. I have laughed. I have cried. I have loved and I love in this now. Love the fact that love is all around us for all of us. NO ONE is excluded in Univers' book - everybody is included. So are you, dear reader.

"You just need to do it, baby. Really just make up your my mind, over and out - its time - do it. Now baby. Like nothing else really matters than doing it. Doing it. Doing it. Action. Run baby, run".

Too bad I am never seem to get serenity and time enough to write here. BUT, I am feeling so all over the place when I am not putting my thoughts down in my blog. I know it is helping me so immensely so I am going to direct some effort into writing the coming days. There is so much going on in my life and it is all good. I am enjoying myself. I cannot believe how blessed I am at the end of the day - constantly meeting new people, extraordinary and mind blowing people. They just are popping up after one another and I am so fortunate to happen to cross their paths. I am little worn out tonight, it has been a wonderful week (mom was here!!) and I had lots of fun during my singing lesson and training lesson today. I am not going to let any disfavoring thoughts distract me (or seduce me) from doing what I love doing and being who I believe I am meant to be. That’s it for now.

 

Thank you all lovely people out there for being in my life.

 

Much love.

 

Me now in the middle of the night. Cannot wait to close my eyes.

NOW! I have done enough work for today, enough enough enough! Ah, I am enough - I do enough - so do you!

I believe it is highly important, not to say crucial to “live life on life`s terms” to each and everyone’s best ability. Further, it requires a massive amount of honesty, willingness and faithfulness to do so. It might seem beyond hard work at first glance, but it is, by no means impossible. Personally, I have two crystal clear highways ahead me and only I myself can pick and choose which one to embark upon. One way is, you could say safe and very much “old fashion style” - and the other way is scary but a truly life changing and very much God style over it. In addition, I chose to call God just God due the simple fact that to say ”my mom or my ex – boyfriend” would sound too corny and banal.  Needless to say, this sort of enlightening infinitive power could be within any creature, within all living thing. You see my point? Well, neither did I imagine. Don’t you worry, that is somewhat cool with me. Don´t let puzzling details stop us here.

 

Therefore, I go for the second alternative. So I do - no matter what. No matter what. That`s my pick, thank you very much!

 

I am choosing a life beyond myself, because I am not enough to handle my addiction. I cannot help myself anymore, my knowledge, willpower and strength is used up far long ago - and I am stuck in myself. How terribly frustrating! More to the point, I cannot move a mere step forward without someone holding me in my hand. Thank God - I have faith in something greater, something or someone that can hold me in my hand when I recover from this cunning, baffling and powerful malady.

 

With all earnestness, there is none so ever doubt in my heart that I will “hit the nail on the head” with my so called life when Universe consider time to be. It all comes down to have faith and patience – I pray, not on a daily but a momentarily basis for patience and perseverance. I hereby, basically want to say; fuck everything else, screw disease and evil and all those sneaky traps that desire nothing but to kill us human beings. Hell with all evil and bad (I am sure that anger starved to come out).

 

(So, just let me jump over to something else than me me me. One of my very best friends contacted me the other day, sort of a soul mate - I was not able to answer though. I just want you to know that I am so out of words proud of you, what you are in course of doing is literally breathtaking – your unexpectedness and courage blows me away.)

 

Another thing that is on my mind this Saturday, I have lastly agreed upon treatment. Where and when is unknown. But fair enough, you read correct. Everything starts with brutal frankness. And the truth is, I cannot stay where I am at today, it is dangerous and unbearable. And it does not has to be like that – who said that recovery cannot be filled with love and fun? My parents they practiced this type of honesty this morning and I thought to myself – what, still, is holding me back to do the same? I cannot just log in here, and write something halfhearted – for God sake! I want to squeeze and press out maximum of life, that is, love, passion, relationships, health, wealth, spiritually, service and never-ending joy. Sure, I don’t like to be vicious honest towards myself and others as well as being confronted with brutal honesty from someone – as it, naturally comes with a rain of painful tears. Nevertheless, I cannot acknowledge enough to myself how essential it is. And of course freaking hard. I bet you have heard it before – life is an undeniably endless gift – whether we like it or not. Finally, it is my human obligation to make the best of it. So what am I waiting for? Incredible how badly I would wish to found me in a therapy session with Lord himself, just for 5 min. Like “God heaven therapy”.

 

All right, anyhow - it is a good start to ask oneself every morning; “what do I genuinely want from this day – what may I genuinely give to the world today? (As a sick person can contribute to this “business”, that is, giving service) And then hold tightly on to it - stick to it no matter what - and go for it - fully! Let your actions be your travel vehicle which transport you through your ups and downs, let alone  something greater than yourself be your guide (whether that is God, Allah, Buddha, a Higher power, your pet, knowledge, a friend, someone`s beutiful vocals etc). Thus, believe in something beyond yourself and your life will be absolutely magnificent! An abundant life is what is in store for us. How can I possibly write as I knew? The thing is that I have seen miracles and I am acting AS IF miracles already happening to me, right now. The thing is also, I have dreamt of this life, a life free from addiction and obsession and filled with love – and as you know – if you can dream it – you bet you can be it, too! That is “The Swedish dream” –a version of “American dream”.

 

To sum, I am not abusing any of my pesky destructive drugs today, just for today - and THAT IS A HELL OF A MIRACLE. Thank you very much indeed Universe.

Försten under 50 minuter på en mil - ready - set - go! Tilläggas ska att jag är i min livs absolut dåligaste, uslaste form, men jag tror på mirakel, vad annat val har jag, liksom. Jag sätter därmed ingen exakt tid då detta ska vara uppfyllt. Det blir på något sätt lättare och lite mer crazy då.

Today, I was an early bird, (twitter twitter :) full loaded with delight and thrill! Naturally, that leads me without delay to the thought; (merely avant-garde) for how long will this euphoria last this time? Totally unexpectedly a thought struck me – it can be forever - as long as I live my life one day at time! Plus, not pushing and rushing into things - not more than my body and mind are capable to deal with at the time being. And, indeed I know were my limits are at. Finally, I am starting to “get a grip of myself” at this rather old age (that is of course a subjective experience). I am, eventually and holy crap an old, grown up beautiful woman! At last! That does not necessary mean I am satisfied, I am ways away from this tempting adjective. Well, what I am basically saying is, it is not that bad. I can be wise if I like to as well as pretty reasonable towards myself and others these days. Overall; I am safe and sound. That is undeniably not that bad at all.

 

 

What else, I am totally blown away how beautiful life itself can be once I let myself be present to it. Life is extraordinary in its ordinary form. It appears to me so simple, clean, peaceful and natural tonight. Life. As a matter of fact, so it does inwards too. I knew it was there – I so badly knew that this beauty was not but a longing illusion.

 

 

Enjoy what is behind your glasses!

Min kusin Toffi spelar i en klass för sig. Det må jag säga! Han är nykär och alldeles upp över öronen romantisk. Ikväll dissade han chokladen och blommorna i förmån för härliga meloner som han med kärlek packade ner i en liten matlåda. Jag dör! Nästan. Höjden av charm och..hjärta.

Mer sånt!

Lång skrivardag och skrivarnatt. Klockan är snart 3.00 am och med det går jag och lägger mig - förbannat nöjd, stolt och..TRÖTT. Snark.

Vi firade mormors 80 - års dag och jag kan inte undgå att se hur hennes barnasinne alltmer blommar ut. Min älskade mormor är rappare än någonsin i tanke och replik, och vår humör tycks mötas och skratten förenas! Det är vackert med gammla människor. Lite som de gamla LP - skivorna.

I am almost too satisfied to head for bed this evening. Life is just really good at this moment.  There is so much love around me, above me and beyond me. And more to come. I am stunned and excited. I am all set to go into a long night of sleep, with beautiful dreams. Waking up in the morning with a fresh and crystal clear mind - knowing that I “did not pick up yesterday”, and thank God I am alive.

 

Give love, think love and breath in live - it is an order!