I don’t believe you necessarily have to go and see a psychologist or a Professional counselor to “obtain your life back (if you are one of those, like me, who once lost it)”. It might seem as a contradiction that I possess over such a point when I am in my course and aim to pursue my endeavor to eventually become a clinical psychologist.

The chemistry between two, or if you want, three human beings is so extremely essential. I realized that my neighbor whom helped me hanging up my new bought mirror yesterday - “talked more my language” then my former so called – authority and expert in my disease.  On the other hand, I believe it is important to stay in yourself and be yourself even though you are around or placed  in a less “ typical you setting”. I think the personality develops from there. It not always comfortable, but it always adds a vital piece to your character and persona –and moving you one baby step further to reach your fullest potential.

Another mania, I am frequently thinking off – can I do this alone – no – do I need a higher power – yes - but do I have to be on my knees every morning and night to connect with that higher power – no – as long as you connect you`ll be ok. If that connection occurs in your writing, talking or reading or whatever is less important.  I cultured that yesterday – and I, apparently apply it here and now.  Sometimes I sense this power in my black morning coffee, sometimes in Penny´s sparkling brown eyes...or through a beautiful summer dress or via another human fellow.

So, please, release me (that’s only in the power of universe) from all hard pressure to do things in certain ways. I cannot, and I do not have the willingness and capacity to dedicate my life to a certain routines, people and formula. I am just who I am. Sometimes weak, sometimes strong – pretty much a human being in a nutshell, I would say.  Noting really special or extravagant at all. Nevertheless unique, just like every single living, countable or not countable, creature on this planet.

Well, there is, especially 5 things I am going to give to myself in this life:

1. A healthy lifestyle, a beautiful body and mind

2. Maintain already loving relationships and develop and discover more

3. Have  a fulfilling and passionate job

4. Become financial independent

5. Set up a family (means, basically, just more members than just me and Penny)

So, what can I do today to dance my steps in this direction?

Well, I could take a run in raining Paris – that’s one thing, see an inspiring and positive friend, print out my CV and realize how skilled I am and being present and listening. To sum up – think in love terms and live life on love`s terms.

I was not able to stop dreaming this night, or more so, acknowledge to myself how beautiful my life is today and visualizing how even more beautiful my life will be! Ever since I received that “hopeful heart” - I cannot really complain and see why I should not exist blissful. Moreover, Paris is gradually develop into a sense – “I am feeling like home”. I am so grateful for my fab flat (oh flat and flat - that is anyhow my experience) on the 7th floor - it gives me a feeling and a sort of connection with heaven above – like - “I am one of God`s neighbor”.  Oh well, not actually, but I think you got me. Besides, it’s always nice to have some above perspective what is going on – in the streets of Paris!

Well, I had a cozy yesterday evening with Madame Alzancot – we spoke about Arts and her Gallery in the 8th arrondissement. In addition, it is totally mad how the police security system operates here in Paris. Let me give you a very brief example. My friend Alzancot has an immense Gallery next to the residence of the President of France – Nicolas Sarkozy himself. And, I am sure you can imagine the amount of police officers who are on guard in the region of his property. Well, to my point here – assume that my friends` Gallery is being robbed – the police men cannot even provide with a slightly little helping hand, (even thou they are in a 5 min distance to her Gallery) that means she, herself is the one to call the police and then waiting for them to come.  At that time – naturally – her Gallery is probably already robbed and vandalized. Due to my example – she is far away from the equal level of security as her President.  Subsequently, the question arose – Liberté, égalité, fraternité - where does that come in here? Sarkozy, would you please explain that, a bit further to me?

Anyway – we drank French fresh milk (in wine glass) and conversed about everything and nothing!

Well, Penny is walked for now, my writing and reading is thereby done – and I am ready for the University. I have an exam at 2:00 pm at Avenue Bosquet today. I am at ease with myself - I believe that once I receive the topic for the essay - my creativity and ideas will arrive!

I hope you all a superb Monday! And an extra thank you to Jamie for stepping in and being my temporary sponsor this week!

Lastly, just keep one thing in mind: LOVE. Again, that’s all we need.

Talk to you later – ciao!

Another sleepless night did pass. Another day is waiting. I am excited. We are already in March and I am still in this beautiful Paris. Disease would bring me home far long way, but did not let go, I so badly wanted to stay and guess what – that is what I did.

Slowly realizing that I have gone through the most painful and pesky amount of time – I am so grateful for being alive – and still in Paris. Life is, oh my dear, to damn short to struggle and fight it – we do not have to – still we do. Oddly enough and unfortunately I think this is what life is (in a nutshell) – just a long lasting lesson, we never graduate. Nevertheless, we become wiser and eventually some humility starting to appear inside us. Mine is finally reminding me about the fact that I am not different. God exist through me, as well.

Except this night without sleep (my älskling kept me company though) I am either worried or tired. Apparently, by body and mind did not feel for repose so what can I do about it, not force it – not panic over it. This too will pass. My day is here, and I am going to live this day – well, why do not live it as the nagging cliché indicates “as it was the last day on this mother earth? I have waste my time in wordiness, anxiety, destructiveness, obsession and fixation on all those things I am not have in my life, can do and be. What an incredible irrationality! Absurdity is all what that is. Bullshit, not reality, just thoughts and emotions - and these funny ones are suppose to decide your reality? Well, I do hear how unintelligent and ridiculous this is. So I try, to humbly ask my “Higher Power” to be rational and logic since I cannot do it myself. Fortunately, there is, indeed a God who do is part of job too.

Please listen, you do not necessary have to do the same mistakes as I have repeated over and over, if you (inadequately) so want to – that’s I fine – but it waste of time. I told you. I am merely 23 – but I feel like 63. In some way it is like I have lived my life, experienced a great deal and ready for the retreat. Perhaps that is true, in its signification, but the remarkable thing here is - I have not live my life to my fullest potential. I have blocked myself in the most destructive ways, my personality, body and existence. It’s over, but it is not done in vain.

Again, I am excited to kick start this day –with a morning run along La Avenue Champs Elysée doing what should be a human right - feeling happy, free and grateful.

You can do it too!

I feel happy and grateful today – for my wonderful family, Penny, my boy, best friends and life! I am bloody better give a zerooo thought of my fucked up self image– I mean, what is that suppose to mean? To the world? Who really cares if I am a size zero or a size 20? Nobody cares, really. On the other hand I care about my health, my physical condition and my well being. And as I am doing and handle things for the moment is not optimal. No matter what, I will not pick up today – I am nothing and nothing counts as long as I am not stay abstinent. That does why have to be abstinent, and I will be. I am a dreamer – but I am also a fighter. I see myself as the winner. Not a winner in terms of over you – in my own competition. “When it feels right, it is right”. Damn good this one.

I am off for a rendez vous. I call/text you later - my adorable BRANDICE !

Do not forgive to give a lot of Love. Speaking about love, my baby is “en stage de box” – and I am already missing him. My life is a bunch of emotions, but thank you God I am able to feel. Life is great and beautiful.

Love,

( My big time Salsa queen Brandice! )

So, here I am – again! How are you folks? I am not bad nor would I say I am over the moon, yet. Bar, I am working on it. There is hope. For all of us.

Never underestimates the importance of routines – that’s today’s topic. I tend to forget that more often than I really stick to it. By following a certain schedule, a routine your mind and body will adapt and feels more relaxed, safe and sound and focused. It’s not equal to a boring life, which I used to thought and associate this phenomenon to. I just know better and healthier today. This is some good elements to remind one about;

-          Try to head to bed and wake up - about the same time every night and morning.

-          Eat three meals/day containing vegetables, salad, protein and fruits (avoid sugar and flour if your are   sensible to overeat)

-          Drink plenty of water – but do not over do it

-          Some exercise – every day!

-          Surround yourself with people you love, and people who gives you what you want (again, you pick your friends)

-          Find your passion in life

-          Make a great deal of love and intimacy  (preferable with the same partner)

-          Welcome your creative side

-          Pray and mediate to connect with your inner self and your strength

-          Laugh!

-          Forgive yourself

-          Love yourself

LIVE YOUR LIFE AS IT WAS YOUR LAST DAY!

This mean to me, as soon as I have posted this post I will call my baby and tell him how much I love him.

You have a great day!

It is funny; I have now been craving internet connection and access to my blog for moths, and then, what happen is, my writing vein is happen to be totally blocked when it once is arrived. It is an overcrowding frustration in terms of million feelings of layer after one top on another. It is also funny, that things never turn out to be as you expected them to be. I am not sure how many times I will, over and over, being taken aback by this mysterious life. You can never learn too many times. Which also indicate a guarantee that no one is stupid? That’s helps me, since I feel I learning pretty much the same lesson - pretty much every day. But hey, I am not stupid! Maybe I just need more time than others, maybe I focus too much on the details which is not an optimal thing to do regarding my personality and situation. Whatsoever, it looks like I finally are about to compose, a rarely comprehensible post, to you and me.

I believe when life hit you, and a great deal of new things appears into your daily life, at least I, completely become paralyzed. That’s exactly what happens to me, I respond by being paralyzed. Additionally, this starts from my brain and downward.

Except that, I am happy.

A wise Frenchman here in Paris told me “Jenny: buy the future” – what does that really mean, I am constantly asking myself. Concerning in real life and in concrete actions? I am not sure I understand the phrase, so profoundly I wish I would. Besides, if I do, this knowledge may change my whole life and living situation. By all means, my friend himself he was not aware of the impact these words had on me. So let us just, very briefly examine this.

Furthermore, does it mean that me, myself can be happy, in this present moment? That is, because, right now, right here I am not suffering. I am drinking my favorite coffee in my favorite mug; I have my lazy sleeping love (the dog) on my chest and a certain atmosphere of serenity covers my surrounding. Moreover, Paris seems to be more beautiful than yesterday, life seems to be petit more easily and free then the day before yesterday, and my inspiration and motivation is at a slightly level higher than it was last week. I guess I am happy? In this moment though? Even if, how about the next hour and the hour after that hour, how do I feel then? Perhaps I shouldn’t bother myself thinking of that now since my present is rather good, since I am buying the future, since I met this wise man whom communicated this message to me.

Why don’t you try yourself? Just forget the past for a while. Live in the present era and buy the future. It is a winning concept? Perhaps, at least I will try to find that out.

Ciao for now and see you guys in the future!

A recently photo taken in Normandy, in France.

I went fanatical shopping yesterday – it was wonderful, (in many ways) whatsoever a relief! I also bought a, really nice Christmas gift to Rafael. I like the 6^th “arrondisement” in Paris; moreover I find a great deal of cozy candles and further stuff which I`ll décor my room with. Well, room or room, I would rather, from now on, name it “my mini apartment”, we have rearrange and organize things in order for me to feel more home settled. I am truly glad over the result, not to forget Penny`s cotentment!

In the afternoon I`ll bring up my work of art, I feel half without it. I am thinking something in sparkling, smashing color. I barely fear the fact that my studies will be suffering when I once get started. I sort of forget place and room, nevertheless a satisfying and relaxing sensation. It is just me along my thoughts; me inside my existence, me within my reality and me contained by my own subsistence. Consequently, I would say - I know that real happiness exist, inside oneself. Stay patient – and deem me - you will find it.

 Ciao.

You`re not a victime - you`re not! Did you get it? I did`n t. Neither did you? OK.

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIME!



You are all that you want to be!

This is something particular with mornings, especially these mornings when everybody seems to be so nice. Nice in terms of "they are" laughing uncontrollable, running rapidly and loving..like ever doing before. Not to mention, drinking "café noir" oh mon dieux - here in Paris people do drink a lot of café noir. I am not able to stop starring at those French men drinking café; it is like their having their last definite café ever. Further, I am fascinated of the French people; I can analyze them in hours. I never seem to get bored, not at all. 

Yesterday I had an exam, my first exam at AUP. Well, I was not in my "typical harmonized senses", thou I think I did well. But I am neither happy nor confident with my performance; I know I can do million times better, or billion. Really, I was in another world, planet during the setting..I am glad I have such nice Professors here in Paris who truly encouraged me afterwards, by just showing their positive selves. In addition, we have to American Professors in our class, Rick and Misha, both are cool, two pretty much funny personalities. I like working with them and I appreciate and enjoy their way of teaching. 

Today, I am extra thankful for following:

I have an amazing, crazy, beautiful and totally outstanding man!




I never waking up alone, Penny is more and less, always there..somewhere in the bed!



I have never been more certain about my ambition in life and choice of career!



I just want to sream out, mad loud how indeed grateful I am for my bunch of perfect friends - Majja, Rafael, Peter, Marianne, Malin, Isabella, Carro, Ann, Ulf,  Åsa - ahh vad jag älskar er!

,


 



    

Intressant, spännande eller förjävligt och skrämmande? Livet alltså. Vad annars. Jag slits i stycke av att ens fundera. Ändå kan jag inte hejda mig. Jag är för nyfiken. Jag är optimist också, så jag kör på det förstnämnda. Nåja, intressant och spännande, det är min höst. Din också? Visst, fan vad det är lätt att snöa in sig i negativa tankebanor, men jag är klokare än så. Ni också. Varför all denna negativitet, varför varför varför? Ingen mår ju bra av utav det. Ibland är vi människor bra ologiska. Vi vill uppnå lycka och förverkliga oss själva , ändå agerar vi inte sällan på ett vis som tar oss ett steg tillbaka. Osmart! Men rätt schysst ändå att varje dag erbjuder en ny chans. En chans att göra annorlunda, göra bättre. Idag ska jag omvandla gårdagens "bra tankar till bättre". You put your limit. 

Ready. Set. Go..and use your SMILE!

Idag är det lördag, saturday och samedi - den helgigaste dagen på hela veckan! Kul va! Vi väcktes alla av ett tidigt telefonsamtal - pappa ut till sjöss och lyckligtvis gick allt bra. Men otäckt. Kan man säga att världen är otäck utan att förvärra den? Skriver jag osammhängande om jag skriver 100% i nuet. Går det ihop. Egentligen inte. Men jag trivs rätt bra med det, att skriva precis såhär. Rakt upp och ner. Det påminner mig om effekteken då man målar något vackert. Det var längesedan jag målade, tiden har varit knapp och jag har haft, vilket jag med lite perspektiv nu inser, alldeles för mycket saker och ting över mig. Men det är lugnt nu. Nu har har jag bara en sak kvar att göra - fylla på med energi! Massa! Några ord i morse grundade fint. Nu tar jag hand om resten - löpning, dans, yoga, musik, böcker, skriva, film, språk, vattenskidor, kräftskiva, öl, kärlek, mode, kläder, färger och penslar!



SKÅL för livet!

Ni vet när man vaknar på sådant där strålande morgonhumör - när man sovit sina 8 timmar (på rätt sida) och inte nog med det, när man befinner sig i ett känslotillstånd av ohanterlig förälskelse. Så vakande jag idag. Mon petit chou. Je t`aime beaucoup. 
   Jag har märkt en tydlig förändring när det kommer till realtioner hos mig själv. Jag njuter och tar in det fantastiska och lämnar rädslan därhän. Jag vet att många människor, med mig har varit eller är rädda och i fruktar att känna just de starka och intensiva känsorna -  behagliga som dess motsatas. Det finns liksom ingen snabb och enklel lösning att köpa på Clas Olsson. Man kväver och dövar - man dödar nästintill sin själ. Det är trixigt och det tar tid att kunna tillåta sina känslor, men jag lovar er, själen har ett förbannat bra tålamod. Med var och en av er.   

Morning my creamsugarcakes! Jag älskar perfektion, jag tycker att det kan vara helt i sin ordning på vissa plan i mitt liv. Mitt sovrum är perfektion. Till max idag. Allt ligger rakt och och i räta linjer, Raffes röda boxningshandske ligger t.o.m på ett visst sätt. Den skyddar mig under nätterna. Rör något styckt moster mig - PANG! 
   
Det ropas frukost därute, jag vill hellre vara kvar här inne. Sällskapet är inte dumt. Men nu går jag upp, äter frukost - och lever ännu en fantastisk dag! Precis som ni ska göra. Amour.