Don’t tell me I didn`t try, hard or long enough. I did. With every bit of me. But it was not enough. Still, it was. Because who said that pain and 1000 trials were equal “not do enough”. I am, fucking picking myself up – each bloody time I have been knocked down. Sometimes I am so paralyzed in disease clutches I cannot utter a word, even worse – feel anything. Because of this devastating, dreadful substance, that is my drug. Tonight I did the unexpected, I call him. It was not really me in person doing it, neither did I say much. Just listened. It was so much hope there, it was love and serenity. Unconditional acceptance. It was beautiful. There were the Higher senses operating – that only two addicts can feel.  I am not going to barging to you, yes I have started a life in London (not as fancy as in Paris) and yes I am doing fairly good on my psychology program. But, nothing nothing nothing will ever counts if I am not abstaining completely from my drug, one day at a time. Who am I to become a good psychologist that cannot even be honest with my basic needs? Fuck – it is definitely not a proper word – not to mention academic. But it is what I am feeling. FUCK. Fuck evil, disease, cancer, addiction, pessimism, greedy, selfishness, envy, injustice, discrimination, bullying and self pity.

My dear Jenny,

"It does not matter how many times you fall, it is how many times you get up that is important. Get up and live your life".

N

Ps. I am up. Again.

That is what I am currently devoting all my waking hours to. Those little babies we all once were, and some of us, obviously, to different degrees - still are. Babies. I believe we all need a “mummy” and talking of mummies and babies tonight – I so insanely miss my baby girl in Sweden and my mum. Now. Puhh. Somewhere along the lines I deem I grew up too fast, too often. I rushed into adulthood, I thought I was ready, I was not. I was not even grown up take care of myself, to provide for the very basic needs, as food, sleep and safety. I was on deep water far too many times. Of course I never knew back then. I thought I was ready to say taataa to family and childhood and bonjour to the adulthood. I always ended up crying, calling mum to pick me up.

Ironically, I become more and more equal to a baby then an adult. And I still am in many respects. Here is the thing – I will always be, more or less, a new born baby as she lives within me, not necessarily call mum every time life points finger at me or hit me – but I will always need my mummy, I claim we all do!

Sure, I can only speak for myself, but I think this bond between “a mum and daughter” is one of the most powerful, complicated and loving bond we have with somebody.

I love my mummy! Probably too much. It is hilarious, that she is temporary mummy to my baby back home. Jisses Christ – this came out to be a very mummy and baby post.

So just to wind it up even more “mummy – baby - wise” - give your mum or baby (or both) a big hug and say – thank you for this incredible masterpiece you have created – that is – you!

Mummy and I as "nissar"!

It is a bit special; my first time I actually am writing again as I came here to London. Overall, London is rainy, friendly and very much British accent (what did I expect?). However, I got my own little flat here, convenient and approx. 5 minutes walk from my University. By all means, it does feel as I could be somewhere else in the world, because that is very much me – to always be on my way, around and about – never really settling down. Thus, I just realize that my home is me, within me. It is actually that neatly constructed that I can feel home wherever I am, whenever I need to and whatever I am in course of doing. That is, as long as I connect with my internal world, mind and body.

Moreover, we are in week 2 and I found this psychology course so right and “world awakening” although madly hectic. We are currently doing 4 units plus 3 seminars every week plus job along that – so the speed is definitely nothing but speedy! On the other hand – I obviously knew the moment I confirmed the offer and the spot in this program what I was given myself into. I am going to work my guts off – to not fall behind and lose track. My class is, basically consisting of native speakers and I have no other choice then love the situation! What a paradise to grow and learn in - that has to be the spirit here! Further, to love to push myself to speak up and participate even though I am terrified, dare to stand up- let go of perfectionism in terms of incorrect pronunciation but perhaps most importantly not be and do good enough. I am in this faculty for a reason; someone believes I have the capacity to be here and to a great job - so simple is that and so be it.  The point I am trying to bring is I came to South Bank University to pursue with my psychology dream and I am for god sake living my dream right here and right now! It seems like a sort of forget the dream once it is realized. And yesterday I got my very first clinical case to emerge myself into. I feel blessed and highly favored (thank you Brandice) to be here and do what I do.

But (why always a but), to be 100% honest towards myself. There have been 5 appalling days, yes. It starts with an “R and ends with an E”.  The thing is that I cannot worry my family anymore so this time I chose to not call them in the worst painful of moments. I am formerly sitting here with a 5 days of “food hangover” on my shoulders – but THIS IS NOT GONNA KNOCK ME DOWN. Today a recommitment with my loving higher power, with my higher self keeps me in a safe condition. We start cooperate right now, ready, set go.  I am not going to write a great deal about my slip – because I just going to give it a TINY part of my brain and not take up much space and energy. There is no good dwell on analyzing why neither to me nor to anyone. I cannot afford to put my focus on something as devastating as a relapse. I resume and move on.

In addition, if I would, for an instant feel like a hopeless case my higher power would not tolerate me to spin on that. So I am safe where I am and this too, as they say, should pass and this too, as they also say should bring and add an extra meaning to my life. No matter how brutally hard and tough it may be and feel in the time being – everything is just simply meant to be, as one of all ours Mr. Freud once announced himself.

To end with, before I leave – just a reminder from Universe dedicated me and from me dedicated you:

1. Give up any sort of comparison – both the one with yourself, peers and others. Be just what you are right now.

2. Let go and surrender to something beyond you (I know that needs practice).

3. Boost yourself with positive and mind blowing mantras.

4. CUT OUT ALL things/people/voices/environments that does not bring joy into your life.

5. Give up ideal.

So what is on next - I have some massive reading to do and why don’t this day be the day I start exercise my loving (sore) body? It is all about coming over those small obstacles and “holding back things”. I love moving and shaking my body – I believe we all do in some ways!

Lots of

Kärlek