I do questioning you - sneaky peaky life?
Monday today. Sunny Paris. No stress, just soft weather with soft thoughts. Drinking black coffee and listening to beautiful music, nice tunes. It makes me want to dance and sing and write and smile and scream - all in once. My plan today is to polish on my CV - but hey, how do I fit all into 2 pages..that is a miracle in itself..selection I guess.
I am proud today, over the human being. You understand how strong this creature is? Just go as far as to your closest friend or family member, or favorite artist. We are all, those, humans. Pretty cool, pretty stunning when you give it another reflective thought. I remember when I was a little dude, “back in the old days”, still, I was a modest analytical psychologist - question is - are certain people born into a certain professions or it is the circumstances that forms us and put us in a particular direction. Interesting, isn`t it?
Another thing, it is not like my life is boring and without action. Rather it has too much of those elements. I mean, action. I am feeling blocked in some way, blocked to be capable to feel all the beautiful and happy happenings around me. It is just so killing sometimes -living with disease. Without indulge into self - pity, my exhaustion and sadness needs to take its space, somewhere – on a blank paper. Life goes on, life does not wait and ask me - "are you ready for another day, Jenny" – it just comes. Naturally and regularly. And naturally my malady disappears, little by little...slowly and obviously with a great deal of stubbornness - but it slowly goes away. This too will pass, right. What can I do with my time and psyche except be where I am today and accept? It is all about acceptance. Am I really powerless in certain areas of my life - or why am I still here then? I am not William James (the first father of psychology) yet I am a big time thinker and a seeker.
And just one last thing. I am not suffering anymore; I am experience, again, just what names life. Although, gently tell me, what message do you want to verbalize to me, what is your main purpose but holding be stuck into my Bulimia – over more than 10 years now? Indeed, I am not bitter, but at least I demand and answer, explication - call it whatever it is. Just give me a sign in some form, something so I can understand and let go.
Good Morning Life!
Another sleepless night did pass. Another day is waiting. I am excited. We are already in March and I am still in this beautiful Paris. Disease would bring me home far long way, but did not let go, I so badly wanted to stay and guess what – that is what I did.
Slowly realizing that I have gone through the most painful and pesky amount of time – I am so grateful for being alive – and still in Paris. Life is, oh my dear, to damn short to struggle and fight it – we do not have to – still we do. Oddly enough and unfortunately I think this is what life is (in a nutshell) – just a long lasting lesson, we never graduate. Nevertheless, we become wiser and eventually some humility starting to appear inside us. Mine is finally reminding me about the fact that I am not different. God exist through me, as well.
Except this night without sleep (my älskling kept me company though) I am either worried or tired. Apparently, by body and mind did not feel for repose so what can I do about it, not force it – not panic over it. This too will pass. My day is here, and I am going to live this day – well, why do not live it as the nagging cliché indicates “as it was the last day on this mother earth? I have waste my time in wordiness, anxiety, destructiveness, obsession and fixation on all those things I am not have in my life, can do and be. What an incredible irrationality! Absurdity is all what that is. Bullshit, not reality, just thoughts and emotions - and these funny ones are suppose to decide your reality? Well, I do hear how unintelligent and ridiculous this is. So I try, to humbly ask my “Higher Power” to be rational and logic since I cannot do it myself. Fortunately, there is, indeed a God who do is part of job too.
Please listen, you do not necessary have to do the same mistakes as I have repeated over and over, if you (inadequately) so want to – that’s I fine – but it waste of time. I told you. I am merely 23 – but I feel like 63. In some way it is like I have lived my life, experienced a great deal and ready for the retreat. Perhaps that is true, in its signification, but the remarkable thing here is - I have not live my life to my fullest potential. I have blocked myself in the most destructive ways, my personality, body and existence. It’s over, but it is not done in vain.
Again, I am excited to kick start this day –with a morning run along La Avenue Champs Elysée doing what should be a human right - feeling happy, free and grateful.
You can do it too!
