A sunny Wednesday, a breeze of serenity is what covers Grebbestad, Sweden. A couple of days ago one of my best my friends asked me: “Jenny, how often do you, honestly, write something totally unpretentious - just put true words and feelings spot on paper – without any censuring? And I went..ehm I believe you touched something important here. In addition, I really thought I was, so to speak, a honest and freely flying bird when it comes to write those honest blog posts. Therefore, the reason I am writing today is to publish something unpolished for you, for myself. Does that make any sense? Well, I`d better admit to do so appears as an impossible task to accomplish. I do not want to “lose the control”. The funny thing is that I constantly rationalize (subconsciously) myself to think - I certainly do am: “free as a bird - happy as a lark - stronger than God himself. Pretty obviously, I am not. I did not; proufoundly face up to my factual ordeal, nightmare, suffering, misery and such a hardship I went through my first 8 months in Paris.

Surely, Paris is the city of love and joy..right? Moreover, I was enrolled in the psychology program – a high credited world famous University located in the heart of Paris. That is just incredible in itself. Well, I did not want to “darken and dirty” my perfect picture of Paris and more significantly, where I was about to realize my dream! Agreed, that was and still is my purpose/function in life - to train to work as a Clinic psychologist. In actual fact, I did not want “to crash” that image of a positive, beautiful, strong and successful woman (which was supposed to be myself in this case). That is just a bunch of bullshit and utopia! How on earth could I ever think; by acting like “a perfect independent super human” possibly could correspond to be a true psychologist - whereupon the baseline is to accept the human being with all its weaknesses, fears and defects ? Did that, basically mean that I tried to be everything else except a human being (like a lion or a bull)? Did I imply to place myself over my fellows being or more correctly, below the human rest?

Naturally, this irrational and illogical thinking - without any sense of decent substance gives me, today an understanding how far away I was from being humble, accepting, truthful, loving and a human being (I mean there are trained actors that do those "superheroes rolls" far better than me, and in addition get paid for it). At least, and thank God I am today bright enough to see that now. Still, I have more mountains to climb and paths to stroll before I may, fully accept myself with all my defects of character and shortcomings.

To be continued.