These days are those days I normally feard. Before. Today was such a day. On spot. Thats it. I am tired and I am weak, I may hardly not feel any of those yesterdays lovely peaks. Not at all. Not right here, not right now. Oh yeah, I pretty well know myself at this time as well as I know: "this was the last time". Just as all those already passed last times. Every excisting sensation is truely - a real universal sensation. My sensation is what it is. Let it so be.Today. I guess God had a purpose even there. At least I may deeply hope so. 
 I did`t know what to do or where to go - I did`t know how to afford all these coming meetings. Except one last way to go. Still, there were one track to jump on. And so did I. Therefore I assume that God had a purpose, a thorough one, even there. And bloody hel thank you for that. Instead of crying or screaming and thinking and talking I use my favorite tool tonight. I do not have any other options, well I could possibly chose another - but it would`t help. I am not wasting my time. Never again. On those killing things. Litterally. Never as long as she is alive. You got my written word on that.